The 11 Stages of a Breakup (and How to Get Through It) (2024)

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Co-authored byKate Dreyfusand Hannah Madden

Last Updated: July 1, 2022References

Shock

1. You might feel numb or a little disassociated from the situation. Don’t worry, this is a normal feeling—it’s your brain’s way of softening the blow of what just happened. You might feel shock for a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days (or, it might not happen at all). If you do feel numb or removed from the situation, just remember that your feelings will come in time, and you can work through them at your own pace.^[1]

   • For a lot of people, shock is the absolute absence of emotions: you won’t cry, scream, or yell.

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Denial

1. You might deny that you and your partner are broken up for a little while. Or, you might think that your partner could change their mind and get back together with you. You might reach out to your ex, ask them to meet up, or find ways to be around them whenever you can. Again, this is a normal emotion, and it will most likely pass with time.^[2]

   • Denial might even be as simple as telling your partner “no” when they try to break up with you. This is a fairly common reaction, especially if the breakup came out of the blue.
   • Denial usually doesn’t last for very long—it might only take a few minutes or a few hours for the breakup to sink in.
   • This stage is similar to shock, but a little different. In denial, you’re actively rejecting the situation, while in the shock phase, your brain just might need a little time to process your emotions.

   See Also

   How to Break Up a Couple (with Pictures) - wikiHowHow to Break Up with Someone You Love: 13 Steps (with Pictures)11 Ways to Break Up Easily - wikiHowHow to Break Up with Someone As Painlessly As Possible: 12 Steps

Bargaining

1. You may try to convince your ex to get back together with you. Thinking about ways your relationship can be saved is normal, and it might result in you calling or texting your ex, reaching out to your ex’s friends, or even praying to a higher power. Bargaining is your brain’s last-ditch effort to try to save you from emotional pain, which is why it’s so common after a breakup.^[3]

   • Bargaining can feel like the right thing to do at the moment, but it rarely ever results in a couple getting back together. Although it can be tough, try to fight through those feelings and focus on your future instead of what you had in the past.

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Pain

1. Strong negative emotions can lead to hurt feelings. If you’re upset about your breakup or you didn’t want the relationship to end, feeling like you’re in pain is normal. Pain can be one of the longest stages of a breakup, and it may come and go in waves over time. It’s okay to go back and forth between pain and the other stages, especially because you may have been hurt deeply during your breakup.^[4]

   • For you, pain might look like crying, feeling sad, or even feeling depressed. It can swing through a wide range of emotions, especially as you work through and process what happened.

Anger

1. As you process your emotions, you might get mad at your ex. Anger can be a productive emotion, and you can use it to help you heal yourself and look toward the future. While it might be tempting to lash out at your ex-partner, try to keep your feelings to yourself (or share them with a trusted loved one). Talking to your ex again probably won’t be productive in the long run, and it can dredge up old feelings you’ve already worked through.^[5]

   • This can often look like ripping up old photos of you two, deleting your pictures off of social media, or ranting about your ex to your friends.
   • You might forget all of your good memories and only focus on the bad ones for a little while and that’s okay. It’s healthy (and normal) to get angry about your breakup, at least for a little bit.
   • Focus on acknowledging and validating your emotions when you feel angry after a breakup. Showing up for yourself from a place of understanding creates self-compassion, which supports self-healing.^[6]

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Disappointment

1. You might feel like you wasted your time on your ex partner. This can be kind of a confusing emotion, but it’s totally natural to wonder what you could have been doing (or who you might have been seeing) if you weren’t with your ex. Disappointment normally comes in waves, and it can often bubble up after you’ve worked through a lot of the initial shock and anger at the situation.^[7]

   • You can work through any disappointment you might be feeling by looking toward the future instead of into the past. Focus on what you will do, not what you’ve already done.

Withdrawal

1. Isolation is very common after a breakup. Your friends and family members might reach out to you, but you may not feel ready to see them. It’s totally fine to take some time for yourself after a breakup, but try not to withdraw completely from your loved ones. Although it seems strange now, hanging out with your friends and family can really help you feel better (and they can be a great distraction, too).^[8]

   • If you aren’t feeling up to doing much, ask a friend to come over for a chill movie night or just to have dinner with you. Having someone to keep you company might be all you need to feel a little bit better.
   • Focusing your brain on something else will give you a respite from the grief.
   • Take care of yourself, sleep, eat, and exercise.

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Depression

1. You might feel tired or disconnected from other people. Depression is a little more intense than sadness—it can take away your motivation to do anything, like go to work or school. If you’re experiencing depression, focus on self-care, and give yourself as much time as you need to feel better.^[9]

   • Depression can sometimes be hard to deal with on your own. If you’re feeling depressed, consider talking to a mental health professional to work through your emotions and focus on healing.

Relapse

1. It can be tempting to reach out to your ex again and rekindle the relationship. Often, this happens after you’ve worked through a lot of emotions, but it can also happen when you’re still in the denial stage. Unfortunately, getting back together with an ex partner rarely works out, and many couples end up breaking up again for the same reasons they broke up the first time.^[10]

   • Most people try to get back with their ex because they’re familiar and comfortable. However, it won’t be long before old issues arise.
   • It can help to set boundaries between you and your ex. Ideally, limit or completely cut off all contact—this helps you honor your wellbeing and closure. Instead, refocus back on yourself and what's next.

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   See Also

   14 Stages of a Breakup (and How to Get Through Them)

Acceptance

1. Eventually, you’ll reach a point where you don’t think about your breakup every day. Sure, you might look back on it and remember the hard times, but mostly, you’ll be looking toward the future. Although it might not seem like it now, you will be able to move on from your ex, and you can have a happy, fulfilling life as you move forward.^[11]

   • Acceptance usually happens slowly, and it may come in waves. Some days, you might feel perfectly content, while other days, you could slip into sadness again. Try to keep looking forward, and just remember all the progress you’ve made so far.
   • Acceptance is an important part of creating closure, healing, and peace for yourself. It also puts you in a position where you can open up to the possibility of what's next.

Forward Motion

1. When you’re finally ready to date again, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Finding a new romantic interest can help some people move on much faster. Hang out at bars, sign up for dating apps, or ask your friends to set you up with people. When you’re completely over your ex, you’ll know that you’re ready to start looking for love again.^[12]

   • Make sure you’ve given yourself enough time after your breakup, and don’t feel compelled to rush anything. Jumping into a new relationship too quickly can lead to heartbreak later on, so it’s better to give yourself too much time than not enough.
   • Remind yourself why you're dating in the first place and what you're working towards. Reconnect with your intention of the end goal for your love life—let that initiate your next move in your dating experience and let it drive you forward.^[13]

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